Episode Twelve: “Tell me more about that”
Madeleine and Anthony
Podcast Recap:
In this insightful conversation, Madeleine speaks with Dr. Anthony Rigney about the power of connection, curiosity, and emotional regulation in parenting. Anthony shares practical strategies for building epistemic trust— a young person’s openness to receiving guidance — through everyday acts of understanding and kindness.
Hear about the transformative impact of the simple phrase “Tell me more about that”, and how it can help parents stay regulated, curious, and connected during challenging moments. The episode also explores the importance of self-care, shared experiences, and the role of temperament in parent-child communication. Enjoy :)
Full Podcast Transcript:
Madeleine: Hi, Anthony, welcome.
Anthony Rigney: Hi, Madeleine. Thanks for having me.
Madeleine: Anthony, you've spent many years working with young people and their families. Can you share a little bit about what you do and why you do it?
Anthony Rigney: Before I start, Madeleine, I'd just like to say thank you very much for the opportunity to talk to you today, and to recognise the amazing work that EPIC does in the community. I think your team is just fantastic, and it's a real pleasure to speak with you.
Madeleine: Thank you, Anthony.
Anthony Rigney: I've always been drawn to working with young people and families because those connections are so central to wellbeing. What I see time and again is that when a young person feels understood by the adults around them—even when those adults are simply doing their best—those young people tend to become more open. More open to sharing, to learning, and to the changes they may need to make.
As this happens, we see young people engaging in behaviours that reflect increased independence. We see them developing to reach their potential while building resilience.
For me, this comes back to the idea of something called epistemic trust, which means being open to receiving knowledge from others as trustworthy, relevant, personal, and meaningful. From a young person's perspective, this means asking: Can I trust what you're telling me? Do I believe you have my best interests at heart? Is what you're saying really applicable to my situation?
As we build that trust, we take the time to really mentalize—and I know that's a technical word. In everyday terms, it means trying to understand and see the world through the eyes of a young person. This doesn't mean agreeing with their point of view. It's not about right or wrong. It's about understanding things from their perspective.
What we know is that when people feel understood, feelings of anxiety are reduced. And when anxiety is reduced, the capacity to problem-solve increases, as does the interest in the suggestions of others. That loops us back to epistemic trust.
When a young person feels we've done that—taken the time to understand—they're far more able to engage, to come up with their own solutions, or to be interested in the ideas we, as parents, carers, or professionals, might offer. And that's what motivates me: helping families find that space for genuine understanding.
Madeleine: I can sense another conversation coming up solely around epistemic trust. It's a new word for me, but the way you explained it is wonderful. So thank you—thank you very much.
Today, I wanted to talk about something else. During a recent panel discussion, you shared a strategy that really resonated with me and many other parents. I now call it the Anthony Rigney “Tell Me More About That” strategy. Could you please share that with the listeners?
Anthony Rigney: Absolutely. First, I’d like to note that patterns in communication build up over time. Some of the ideas we’re talking about—like the Tell Me More About That strategy—are about disrupting those patterns and finding new ways to connect with your young person.
I think about this through three pillars:
Self-regulation
Curiosity
Shared experiences
All of these help build that sense of epistemic trust—there’s that word again.
So first, we’re thinking about how parents and carers regulate their own emotions in the moment. Managing intense emotions is really important. It’s helpful to assess where your emotional energy is going—are you focused on your own regulation, or are you trying to regulate someone else’s emotions?
In times of stress and distress, 100% of your energy should go toward regulating your own emotions. This allows you to stay present, engaged, and able to support your young person effectively, while also decreasing the potential for conflict.
Self-awareness is key. If you're still overwhelmed despite your efforts to self-regulate, it might be time to pause, recharge, and re-engage later—with that same focus on your own regulation.
Emotional regulation isn’t about perfection. It’s about sustaining your capacity to stay connected during tough moments.
And this is where the second part—the Tell Me More About That strategy—fits in. You’re focusing your energy on regulating your own emotional response. Often, a young person might say something with emotional sting, like “You don’t love me.”
As a parent or carer, it’s completely normal to want to defend yourself, to fix it, or to validate your young person in that moment. But the greatest challenge is to stay curious.
Asking Tell me more about that helps slow things down. Parents often wonder, How am I supposed to regulate myself in that moment when I’ve just been challenged or hurt by something that doesn’t feel true?
How do I slow myself down enough so I can regulate in that moment? That’s why Tell me more about that is such a useful question—it almost becomes your default.
It gives you the capacity to build your own self-regulation in the moment, and it also helps to build curiosity. I know Sky talks a lot about curiosity in her podcast discussion with you as well.
So, if your young person says, You don’t love me, you respond with Tell me more about that. As they begin to expand on what they’re feeling, you can follow with, What happened next? What do you notice? These five words—Tell me more about that—are incredibly effective.
I’ll add a couple of additional components that I think are really powerful. When we ask young people to tell me more about that, we’re increasing their sense of feeling understood. When we ask Tell me what happened next, we’re doing the same.
As the emotional temperature comes down—when young people feel more understood—anxiety reduces. And as anxiety reduces, their capacity to respond differently begins to emerge. That prefrontal cortex, from a neuropsychological perspective, starts to come online.
Then you can use another five-word phrase: What I hear you saying is… and reflect back to them. Another one is: That must make you feel… followed again by Tell me more about that.
These phrases help build curiosity and keep us open in difficult moments—especially when emotions are heightened. They help bring those emotions down and allow us to stay connected.
Eventually, we move into building shared experiences—connection through doing. Even when working with families where young people seem ambivalent about their relationship with their parents, what they’re often asking for is more quality time. It might not feel like that to the parent or carer, but young people really do value that connection.
Sometimes it’s just hard to find it in the moment. And when we think about attachment, we often overlook its bi-directional nature. Yes, we focus on how parents connect with their kids, but each child also has their own temperament and personality. That temperament impacts the style of communication parents have with their young person.
It’s important to hold that in mind.
Madeleine: Thank you. I've written so many notes—it's quite jumbled here because there were so many follow-ups I could add to what you've just said. Starting with the idea that it may be a kind of muscle memory. You don’t have to get it perfect, but even knowing about it is a good thing.
I’ve had a few experiences where I remembered it too late. However, I know about it now, and I think that’s a step in the right direction. I’ve used it at times when it’s been absolutely wonderful.
Just reiterating that point about quality time—I know I’ve jumped through all that wonderful information, but it will be written up on the website so people can go back to it.
When it feels like your young person is leaning more into their friendship group or other experiences, I’ve found that even a simple invitation can make a difference. Every now and then, I might say, Hey, just one-on-one, do you want to go get some sushi at the sushi train? And they’ve said yes. It gave me so much joy.
At first, you think, Oh, they wouldn’t want to do that with me. But thank you for saying that, because I’ve found it to be extremely helpful for the relationship—and the ongoing relationship. My young people are older now—21 and 19—but they still need connection. So thank you for that.
Anthony Rigney: You’re welcome.
Madeleine: Connection does take a lot of energy and practice. What advice do you have for parents to look after their own wellbeing while they’re trying to support their young person?
Anthony Rigney: I think this comes back to the self-awareness you mentioned earlier, Madeleine. In those moments when we don’t get it right—or we think, I could have used “Tell me more about that,” and I forgot—it’s important to be compassionate with ourselves.
Recognising that we may have missed an opportunity, and then reflecting: What was going on for me? Maybe it’s been a busy week at work. Maybe there are things happening in the family. Maybe I’m caring for an elderly parent, or dealing with stress in my relationship.
Doing that kind of analysis helps move us past self-blame. Instead of thinking, Why didn’t I?, we can say, Actually, I’ve been pretty good at using “Tell me more about that,” but in this instance, I missed it.
That kind of self-awareness is really important. Structuring it in a way that works for you is useful. And engaging with your partner around it can help too—saying, I’m feeling tired, I might need you to take the lead on the “Tell me more about that” conversations, because I just don’t have the energy right now.
The other part—and I know it’s a bit of a buzzword—is the importance of self-care. But self-care isn’t a luxury. The better we look after ourselves, the more able we are to respond to our young people in the way they need.
Self-care doesn’t have to be big or expensive, but it does have to be conscious. If you’re sitting down to have a cup of tea, think of it as your self-care moment—five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. Maybe it’s watching a movie alone, sitting at a coffee shop, or just watching the waves roll in at the beach.
The key is to consciously connect the activity to the concept of self-care. That intentionality makes all the difference.
Madeleine: Perfect. And the reason it’s perfect is—we all know it, I think—but we don’t consciously bring that word into our lives. We don’t acknowledge, Okay, this moment is for me.
Parenting, especially when a young person is born and they’re 100% dependent on you, goes through a transition. It becomes very selfless. It’s exhausting. So thank you for reminding us that if we consciously say, This is my five minutes of peace, wherever that may be, it can really help with self-regulation—and even with the vagus nerve, which Peter discussed.
Anthony Rigney: Yes, he talks about the amygdala, right? And again, I think it’s another great example of how, through the podcast, there’s a lot of information that crosses over. Maybe we’re using different words…
Madeleine: Yes, yes.
Anthony Rigney: But so much of what we’re talking about overlaps. There’s a lot of commonality, and that’s been a real pleasure of listening to the podcasts, Madeleine. I really enjoy them.
Madeleine: Thank you. I’ve really enjoyed them too. One of the common themes I see is kindness, and I’m really grateful to be able to do this.
So, one last question—well, two last questions. If you could leave parents with one message, what would it be?
Anthony Rigney: I think it would be this: the more effort you make to really understand your child’s perspective, the more likely they are to feel understood. And when they feel understood, they open up. They start to solve things for themselves, or they become more receptive to your ideas.
So again, that idea of epistemic trust—it grows through everyday acts of patience, curiosity, shared time together, and kindness. That’s the message I’d like to pass on.
Madeleine: Thank you. I’ll put that in bold print at the end. I really love it, and I really appreciate you and everything you do within our community, Anthony. You’ve inspired me, and your encouragement has been ongoing. It kind of gives me goosebumps. Thank you—thank you very much.
So, if people want to reach out to you, where can they find you?
Anthony Rigney: I’ve got a private practice in North Sydney — Dr. Anthony Rigney, Psychology and Supervision. The website is just my name: anthonyrigney.com.au.
Madeleine: Thank you. I really appreciate your time today. Thanks, Anthony.
Gratitude to Anthony Rigney for his support of EPIC and of parents in our community.
Do you have suggestions, comments, questions relating to today’s conversation or have ideas for future episodes?
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This podcast was made possible by the support of the City of Ryde Council
