Parent support of teens in crisis

One definition of crisis says: “A crisis is an upset in a steady state causing a disruption or breakdown in a family's usual pattern of functioning. Families in crisis find that their usual ways of coping or problem solving do not work; as a result, they can feel threatened”- Head Start Early Learning and Knowledge Centre

So, what does it mean to know whether you’re in a crisis situation with your teen? On some level it’s almost fair to say that adolescence engenders a period of frequent “storms” of emotion as individuation progresses. It can be a time characterised by necessary growing pains for parents- your child’s journey away from childhood and towards adulthood means that change in your relationship is inevitable- and quite often challenging.

It’s very helpful to know that most temporary crisis situations in families improve over time. Deciding whether and when you need help or support is a personal matter. The intention behind this website is that we’ve created a place where you can find multiple sources of comfort and support to help you get through the challenging times.

If you’re in a chronically stressful situation with your young person where there are high emotions in your household most days, then don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Seeking psychological help is the same as going to your doctor for a physical ailment- there is no need for stigma or shame.

Lastly, it’s crucial where abusive behaviour is present that safety is ALWAYS the first priority. Calling the police, or a trusted person when repeated threats or violence breaks out won’t destroy your family. It can be the one thing that restores safe boundaries.

Stage 1: Awareness of Change in Behaviour

Many parents are unsure as to whether a change in their young person's behaviour is a passing phase or something that signals a more potentially serious problem. At the end of the day if you have a good relationship or rapport with your teen you can often trust your instincts and talk to your child. Teens can be challenging to reach so perhaps try using active listening skills. If you're worried it's always a good idea to reach out to a trusted adult and express your concerns.

Meanwhile below are some links to articles that can help. Please also look at our resources page and if you think there's a mental or physical emergency call for help:

Parent Line is a telephone counselling, information and referral service for parents of children ages 0 to 18 who live in New South Wales. FREE Professional help for parents and carers of children 0 - 18 in NSW 1300 130 052

Reach Out has information on a wide range of concerns parents might have about their teenager.

Stage 2 - Unresponsive teen

A chief feature of the shift in talking to your child before and during adolescence is that it can start to feel like shooting in the dark- in other words very hit and miss. A lot of parents and carers want to know why won’t my teenager talk to me anymore?

Like a lot of things to do with teens the answers can be like fitting together pieces of a complex, always evolving puzzle.It might seem like only yesterday they loved spending time with you, but nowadays they’re more interested in their friends and mobile phone than being with their family.

You may be wondering how to react when you’ve always encouraged them to think for themselves, but now you fear they aren’t respecting your boundaries- or they may be becoming verbally disrespectful or abusive. And, maybe you’re worried about prying too much into their lives, as you know the importance of giving them space.

Obviously if you have evidence or strong reason to believe your teen may be trying to hide a serious threat to their well-being ask them directly about it and or seek professional advice.

Otherwise, it can be helpful to remind yourself what teenagers are going through:

• Hormonal changes: During puberty, the brain releases hormones into the bloodstream which cause physical changes in the bodies. These hormones can affect teenagers’ moods, emotions, and impulses – leaving them moody and sometimes unpredictable.

• Physical development: As well as dealing with these hormonal changes, your child is also having to deal with the knock-on physical effect this will have on their developing bodies. This may make them self-conscious, embarrassed and perhaps withdrawn at times.

• Sleep: And, if you’re annoyed that your child is struggling to get out of bed in the morning, it’s worth remembering that many experts agree teenagers need a lot more sleep as they deal with these changes. Teenage brains secrete melatonin (the sleep hormone) 4-5 hours later than an adult brain.

• Brain development: Developments in the brain may also be the reason behind your teenager’s grouchy, moody and risk-taking behaviour. According to neurologist Sarah-Jayne Blakemore, the brain is undergoing a huge amount of change, and these alterations most likely explain some of the typical rebellious behaviours you may be experiencing when parenting teens.

The article below may help with some clues as to how to approach your teen:
https://www.handinhandparenting.org/2018/10/how-to-talk-to-teenager/

Stage 3 - Risk Taking

This is a painful place to be in. There's no getting away from the anguish of feeling like you're a helpless witness to watching your child's life spiral seemingly out of control. It's sometimes frightening and overwhelming as a parent to see our child stand in complete opposition to our boundaries, values, and desire to protect them.

For most of the teens I've spoken with- their journey into experimentation or risk-taking behaviour was never intended to hurt anyone. With a brain that's wired to take risks in preparation for the challenges of adulthood- a teen often feels they simply want to "be themselves". They're looking for the self in question- as the single greatest developmental task which will occupy most of the rest of life. No one goes on this quest without making mistakes- and every single one of us will need forgiveness and someone to help pick up the pieces when we stumble.

Peers appear to have replaced the once all-important place that a parent's love and approval once held, and so many parents could be mistakenly tempted to believe that their young person "just doesn't care about my feelings any more". A wounded parent who feels rejected and betrayed can struggle with anger, grief, despair and even numbness... Fathers often say to me "I'm not sure I feel anything" at this stage.

You don't help your teen by jumping into the raging river of emotions, drama, and the turbulent waters of confusion and anxiety. There are ways to support yourself and to allow others to support your journey so that you become the anchor first in your own life and then in your child's. While chances are that in time "this too shall pass"  if there's a reason to fear for your child's safety and or you or your family feel unsafe- get help immediately. Calling the police is hard- but it can be the only way to put a buffer in place when domestic violence or substance abuse is out of control.

Check out the articles below - and or look at our resource page for ideas of where to look for help. There's no shame in needing support as a parent- the bigger tragedy is to suffer in silence.

Why Are Teen Brains Designed for Risk-taking?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-wide-wide-world-psychology/201506/why-are-teen-brains-designed-risk-taking

Risk-taking behaviour in adolescents

https://www1.racgp.org.au/ajgp/2018/december/risk-taking-behaviour-in-adolescents

Stage 4 - Parent seeks intervention strategies

At this stage when a parent (s) begins to feel that attempting to manage their teen’s crisis on their own isn’t working or sustainable they try to find help.

This can be a needle in a haystack proposition as parents may need to contact many different agencies, professionals and organisations trying to navigate a maze of medical, mental health, and youth service organisations.

As a parent or carer you will want help that is appropriate for the style of family living situation and relationship which you and your young person share.

This is where it’s important to note that the profile for what was previously thought of as a “typical family” has undergone significant changes in the last few decades. Today, young people grow up in a variety of family types, including:

• Traditional ‘nuclear’ families (married father & mother and their children)

• Blended or step-families – a coupled family with children who may be the biological children of the couple, as well as children from previous relationships (this includes heterosexual and same-sex couples)

• Single-parent families – with either mother or father as primary carer

• Extended families – a family group consisting of the parent(s) and children, as well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, other relatives or kin

Young Indigenous people are less likely to live in two-parent families, more likely to live in single- parent families, and are more likely to live with extended family. Grandparents are likely to play a significant role in bringing up children and young people in Indigenous families.

Many young people also live in non-parental care or shared care arrangements, where the biological parents are unable to care for their children. Carers may include grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents or other family members.

Engaging and working with the family of a young person is a vital part of early intervention and treatment approaches – especially with young people experiencing mental health, substance use or other psychosocial problems. When meeting with a professional or service provider you and or your young person may feel anxious, vulnerable, impatient for answers and overwhelmed.

As a consumer you are well advised to look closely at whether the care you and your young person receive includes the following perspectives. When meeting with the provider, remember that everyone has:

• The need to be heard and understood. Ask yourself if the person you’re talking to listens to your concerns and acknowledges that they have heard and understand your perspective.

• The need to not be blamed. Family members need to be able to discuss the factors involved in causing or maintaining the young person’s difficulties without feeling at fault.

• The need to be included. Does the service provider seek to engage family members as partners in a collaborative approach to the care of the young person?

• The need for information. Depending on the young person’s age and what you has been negotiated with their consent in regard to sharing information- does the service provider offer the family with information about the young person’s concerns? Have they clearly discussed possible treatment approaches and the role of the parents or carers and family members in supporting the young person and any treatment plans?

If your young person becomes involved with the juvenile justice system for the first time, it can be critical to feel prepared for encounters with authority figures. A good overview of young people and youth issues can be found on the NSW Police Force website.

For more information:

What Happens to Young Offenders After They Are Charged?

OR for information and help with what to expect in family court visit Legal Aid NSW.

For more resources explaining organisations that can help support parents listed by category, please see our resources page.